Friday, December 20, 2013

Ghosts of Christmas Past....

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Trying to forget the worst months of my life last year....

It's been so long since I have posted to this blog- and I apologize. Things have been well-extremely busy, but well. Rory has recovered from her surgery. She has physical therapy 4-5 times a week and last time her leg was measured she was at 5 degrees of knee flexion. I was very happy knowing all the hard work we had been putting in and the 2 metal plates in her leg were helping her leg straighten.   

* look on the surgery link on the side for more information about her surgeries last year or click here

Zin is a mobile wild baby now. She is crawling all over and getting into everything she can. She doesn't get much of a word in since Rory does all the talking. She is quite observant, she takes everything in and stares intently. I know that she has helped Rory out miraculously with all of her physical therapy and learning to walk again since her last surgery. 

With the holidays approaching us we have been even busier than normal. Normally, this would be my favorite time of year, however this year my feeling are mixed.  I'm brought back to every thing happened last year.  Everything from putting Rudolph stickers on our face to keep Rory from crying in the plane to the horrific over 12 hour superhip/ superknee surgery. And I can't forget the 3 more surgical procedures she had to have and the horrible spasms she would have post op due to Anesthesia. 

 Spending Christmas in a hotel with your Baby in a spica cast screaming in pain and with a would vac on, making a wrapping paper Christmas tree, and eating Mac and cheese for dinner was the absolute worst. 

We got out Christmas decorations and found ornaments the nurses gave to Rory.  It all made me very nauseous and want to just put all of the Christmas decorations back in the storage.  

I think the Christmas decorations and toys have reminded Rory about her surgery as well. She has been asking me about it more than normal and even remembering things that I never thought she would remember. I have had questions asked me that no mother should be asked like: mom why did they put the mask and the weird air over my face. Her nightmares have also gotten worse lately. I now have to be in there when she goes to sleep and I'm in her room at least once at night when she wakes up screaming about her leg.  She's talking non stop about her fixater that she will get and if she will have to be in the hospital for a long time. 

One might think that it's just memories and it was all year ago, but is not that cut and dry. The thought about going back into surgery this year for a fixater, where we have to be gone in Florida for 4 to 6 months make me want to ask Santa for 2014 not even happen and just go straight to 2015. I'm not going to hold my breath because Santa hasn't gotten me what I've wanted the past three years which is to have Rory's leg grow. 

So that's why I'm having mixed feelings about Christmas. Currently I am buying anything and everything for my children to compensate for the horrible Christmas we had last year and my Zinny's first Christmas. At the same time I am very apprehensive and not even want to celebrate so I'm very torn this year. I guess all I have to can do is just sit and wait and try not to dwell on the upcoming surgical procedures that we have this year and try not to think about before surgeries we had last year. 

Seeing my girls faces now I know that my need to compensate for last years Christmas will kick in more than my hatred for the Christmas.  Last year, I would have mugged someone for one Christmas cookie and now our house is filled with More Cookies in the bakery.  seeing my girls faces when they see the Christmas lights and the presents is making me think it will be a big Christmas for us this year!


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